I recently discovered the work of Mikalojus Konstantinas Čiurlionis
So when I write a paper for school…especially if I’m feeling stuck and panicky, there’s a draft that I write that no one sees. I call it my “fuck this shit” draft. It’s like creating an outline where I literally type whatever is going through my head with as much profanity I can muster. It’s part outline, part stress release, part “let me get over this writer’s block please” part “yes love, this is dumb and unfair…let it all out” and it keeps me trudging along, because it’s kind of relieving to just type nonsense and anger and utter shit, and in the end, with some tweaking the formatting is usually workable, and I can expand it remove the profanity, fill in the parts where I write “look up that thing and put it here” and manage to refine and refine it until its a decent paper…this process has given me top marks all semester.
Once the draft is done, it’s more of a “fill in the blanks” than it is “create something from scratch” and then the only struggle left is the intro and conclusion.
Here’s a sample of what I’ve written tonight in my epic “fuck this shit draft” Spring 2014 Term Paper edition
I was trying to remember why this picture of this cat looked so familiar
then I realised
I’m so stressed about schoolwork that I feel sick. Why is it fucking necessary to break us down like this? To run us till we’re ready to collapse and die.
What sort of sadistic fuck made education what it is? I love learning. I try to learn as much as I can about things in my spare time.
But I hate school. I hate papers. I hate presentations and the anxiety of having to be 100% all the time or being disgraced and humiliated in front of your peers.
I hate unnaturally high expectations. I hate this fucking paper I have to write, even though I previously loved the topic, because I don’t even know where to begin any more, because my professor rejected ever single proposed topic and outline I’ve made over the past month, and now it’s due in a week, and I don’t even know where to begin because she’s shot down every single fucking idea I have.
And to top it all off, my fucking sculptures keep failing. They break apart, and no amount of caution and care and attention and planning and sketching and rebuilding on my part is working, and I’m a few weeks from the final and have nothing to show for the hours and hours and sleepless nights I’ve put in for this stupid fucking project.
The fucking darkroom is closed this week and next because it needs to be painted (who the fuck gives a shit…it’s a mother fucking darkroom…no one can see if the walls are peeling or not in the safe light, and the only people who see it with room lights are me, the professors and the lab monitors, and we don’t give a shit), so I can’t make my prints for my crit next week, and I’m totally fucked.
And fine, you can tell me that there are bigger problems in the world. I know there are, I completely know that I should be grateful, I should be appreciative that my life isn’t as bad as it could be.
But all the same, I’m crumbling from stress, and its unnatural and unhealthy to do this to people. It’s fucking murder.
I made a slideshow about how to create a fictional character… I got most of the information from the ‘start writing fiction’ (free) course on the OpenUniversity website and found it incredibly useful so here’s a visual version for you :)
Always reblog the sideway-step-shuffle-dance.